Dos and don’ts of the Edinburgh Festival

It’s that time of year again, when it takes longer to cross the pavement than the road in Edinburgh, because England has been evacuated. I have lived through many an Edinburgh Festival, as a punter, a staff member, and a furious bystander. To help any of you who are planning to immerse yourself in the Festival this year, I have put together a helpful list of dos and don’ts for survival/maximising enjoyment/making my life easier.

DON’T call it “Edinburgh”
This is a real pet peeve of mine. I know you’re just doing it as shorthand to save a bit of time, as the extra four syllables you would need to speak to clarify your meaning would cause you to miss your under-ground tube train. This shorthand is extremely annoying, however, because Edinburgh is a wonderful city that exists for 12 months a year, and does not simply pop up every August so that you can drink warm beer from a plastic cup sitting on a folding chair in a yurt watching a silent improv comedy troupe who are despondent at having poured their life savings into a show that is seen daily by five to eight people because it has been lost in the middle of the brochure.
A few years ago, I took a volunteer job in a venue bar, because I had nothing else to do, and it would get me free tickets to all of their shows. I ended up leaving after one shift, partly because it was very poorly managed, partly because I didn’t want to see any of their shows, but mainly because I was almost the only person there who wasn’t a posh twat. The place was hoaching with gap-yah toffs, rosy-cheeked and curly-haired, the type who get their butlers to iron their jeans, which they wear for up to half an hour a day as changing fashions dictate. I couldn’t stand these pricks, who referred to “last Edinburgh” and “next Edinburgh,” as though it weren’t a constant place. My sudden departure from this ‘job’ led to my making an 11-second exit from the Beanscene (RIP) on Nicolson Street a couple of weeks later, but that’s another story.

DO have a flexible budget
If you’re used to London prices, nothing is too expensive, but if you’re from anywhere else, you might find prices during the Festival are a tad high. If you spend all your money on show tickets, you won’t have any left when the obligatory post-show pint turns into three, or for a falafel kebab on the way home, or for a taxi when you find yourself stranded in Muirhouse with no shoes. You might also find a show you hadn’t known was on, one that you really want to see, but you’re potless. Make sure you have some wiggle room for unexpected inconveniences and spontaneous indulgences.

DO keep an open mind
Last year’s Festival featured more than 3,000 shows, a number that has been increasing year-on-year. By the law of averages, some of these shows are going to be great, and some will be terrible. If you’re seeing a lot of events, it is quite likely that one or two of them will be sub-par, so don’t raise your expectations too high. You also need to bear in mind that some of the performers are veteran professionals, while some are amateurs making their debut, and the gulf in experience will have an impact. If you’re seeing shows at the end of the Festival, the performers will be tired, having prepared and run a show for a month, sometimes with multiple performances daily (and some people take part in several shows), as well as dealing with the stress of trying to sell enough tickets to break even. If the first thing you see is phenomenal, dont expect everything else to be of the same standard; likewise, don’t be discouraged if your first show isn’t up to much. Something great will come along.

DON’T book yourself too tight
There are around 400 venues hosting Festival shows in 2015, and while most are in the city centre, some are a good bit further out. The city centre is also quite a big place, an extremely busy place, and a difficult place to find your way around if you’re not familiar with it. For instance, you might find yourself on George IV Bridge with your map or app in hand, screaming “it should be here!” while your show starts below you on the Cowgate. If you don’t know the venue, make sure you give yourself plenty of time to get there, and don’t assume you can see back-to-back shows if the venues aren’t right next to each other. (Even then, you might struggle.)
You should also make sure you know how you’re going to get to places. Know your bus routes and different options, and make sure to allow more time than the timetable does, because August tends to be much busier than the rest of the year, for some reason. As you might have heard, Edinburgh now has a wonderful tram network, and if you arrive by air, it is likely to be your first taste of Edinburgh transport. I personally love the trams: they are generally more reliable than the buses, and it’s the quickest way from my house to my office. However, they are not much use to most people in the city, and will not be much help getting around the centre. The trams also stop running just after 11pm, and did not extend their hours during the Festival last year, and I haven’t heard that this policy will change for 2015. Be aware of times and routes, and don’t leave yourself at the mercy of the taxi drivers, who can charge whatever they like.

DO know how to deal with flyers
As you leave your house in the morning, you will be offered a flyer. Take it. By the time you reach your car, bus stop, or destination, you will be offered another. Take it. Hold one in each hand throughout the rest of the day, as the perfect excuse not to take any more. You will be offered more, perhaps hundreds more.

DO explore the rest of the city
Edinburgh is really, really good all year round. There are plenty of Festival attractions to see, but there are also loads of other brilliant things you should have a look at. If you have time, it might be worth arriving before the Festival starts, or leaving after it ends, to explore when the place is a bit quieter. Earlier is probably better, though, because the city tends to experience something of a crushing hangover for a few days after the festivities cease.

DON’T get in my way
This is probably the most important point of all. It’s really nice having a big Festival and everything, and seeing all the people come in and do their things, but it does tend to lead to congestion, and people getting in my way. This is not something I would advise; I am unlikely to attack you, but I am liable to become very annoyed, so just please don’t do it.