Colm Currie
Writing things so you don't have to
Project Bond
The name’s Bond. James Bond.
In 2015, having never seen a James Bond film, I decided to watch all of the James Bond films. This was an enormous undertaking, which I found very hard work at times (particularly during the Roger Moore era), but I came out the other side relatively unscathed, with a greater understanding of a popular culture icon, and of what makes Britain so great. Of course, I recorded my thoughts on each of the films, Bonds, villains, ridiculous lines, and more, just for you.
Dr. No
“Both handsh on the wheel, pleashe, I’m a very nervoush pashenger”
From Russia With Love
“I’ve been your guardian angel. I saved your life at the gypsy camp.”
Goldfinger
Just like all Koreans, Oddjob has a razor-sharp top hat, with which he very deftly decapitates people and statues alike. Lovely stuff.
Thunderball
A real highlight was the heart-warming scene in which Bond blackmails a woman into having sex with him under threat of losing her job for something that wasn’t her fault. Classic British values.
You Only Live Twice
The bald, cat-stroking, Nehru-jacket-wearing, facially-scarred villain cannot be ignored.
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
“Thish never happened to the other fellow…”
Diamonds Are Forever
“If you shee a mad profeshor in a minibush, jusht shmile.”
Live And Let Die
“I should have told you, you should never go in there without a mongooshe.”
The Man With The Golden Gun
“He always did like that mausoleum. Put him in it.”
The Spy Who Loved Me
BANG! Blood dribbles down. We’re on a submarine. Two sailors sit down and have a game of chess. Then the cups start wobbling, and then a man who used to be in ‘The Onedin Line,’ comes in and goes “Why are the cups wobbling? What’s going on?” And then he pulls down the periscope and he looks through it and goes, “Oh my God, the submarine’s being eaten by a giant tanker!” And then we cut to Moscow. And there’s a man there, and he’s Russian; he’s got eyebrows, you know. And he’s on the phone going, “What, a whole submarine? You’re joking! I’m gonna have to tell some other Russians. See ya!”
Moonraker
I like my moons like I like my garden.
For Your Eyes Only
In which Q briefly becomes a priest for some reason, and just for a change, there are sharks and skis.
Octopussy
The “end of the beginning,” if you will, sees Bond escape in a small plane that was hidden under a false horse’s arse in a false horsebox. Most ingenious, I’m sure you will agree.
A View To A Kill
I was quite ready to say goodbye to Roger Moore, but I would not be allowed to do so before being subjected to another pointless skiing scene.
The Living Daylights
In this week’s episode of ‘Women Drivers,’ Kara almost drives a plane into a big rock, while Bond is in the back, heroically deactivating a bomb he armed in the first place.
Licence To Kill
This time, it’s personal. Like last time, and some of the other times, but a bit more so.
GoldenEye
In which the twist is that Sean Bean dies twice.
Tomorrow Never Dies
“The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.”
The World Is Not Enough
Nobody expects the Russian inquisition!
Die Another Day
“You can’t kill my dreams, but my dreams can kill you.”
Casino Royale (David Niven)
“I have a very low threshold of death. My doctor says I can’t have bullets enter my body at any time.”
Never Say Never Again
In which the ancient Bond is sent to a health clinic to get himself back into shape, where he discovers trouble a-brewin’.
Casino Royale (Daniel Craig)
Three measures of Gordon’s; one of vodka; half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it over ice, and add a thin slice of lemon peel. Jackanackanory.
Quantum Of Solace
In which everyone gets real mad and some people die in crude, unpleasant ways.
Skyfall
Lasht rat shtanding.
Spectre
I like my women like I like my vodka Martinis. Shaken, stirred, dirty, and preferably Vesper.
No Time To Die
Just another in a very long line of angry little men.
Colm Currie 