Project Bond: Diamonds Are Forever

Sean Connery is back, and his eyebrow game is stronger than ever. Even before the opening credits, he assaults two men and throttles a woman with the bikini top she did not consent to his removing. But it’s okay, though, because he’s just looking for information on the whereabouts of the bad guy. Classic British values.

It’s only been four years since Connery last played Bond, yet he looks a good deal older now. This seems to suit the character, though, and I believe he is an older chap in the original books (yes, there are books, apparently. I can’t imagine that working well, but there you go).

I’d like to first of all clarify that I enjoyed this film very much, probably more than any of the other Bond films so far. Despite what I felt was an over-reliance on Blofeld in places (played now by a third actor in as many films, and no longer bald), Diamonds Are Forever is a more unique and more self-contained story than any of the others, with the exception of Goldfinger.

Speaking of which, Goldfinger director Guy Hamilton returns, and you couldn’t pick a more tonally different film. I’ve had cause before to liken Bond to the Adam West Batman series, but never more so than with Diamonds Are Forever. Some of the villains in this film almost make Cesar Romero look like Heath Ledger, so cartoony are they, and some of the close-ups are so on the nose, you might as well have a narrator highlight key aspects to look out for before each scene begins, and recap it afterwards. It’s very, very silly, and not always in a good way.

The fight scenes in particular were quite an experience. The film being made before special effects were anywhere near as good as they are now accounts for some of the silliness of the fights, but no amount of CGI can improve a man pulling a mousetrap out of another’s jacket, a look of disproportionate agony on his face.

That being said, I thought the storyline was great, and quite different from those that had gone before it. This is probably Connery’s best performance as Bond, and Charles Gray is a pretty good Blofeld, in a very different way from Donald Pleasence.

After a brief reprieve, we must now say goodbye to Sean Connery, who, when asked to return for one more film, said, “Never again.”